Stuart Crossley – poet at allpoetry

https://allpoetry.com/Stuart_Crossley

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X V I I I.

…~ [pt. 1]~

‘Do I have a story that needs to be written?’ -he said aloud,thinking no one could hear.
‘What was that dear?’ -His girlfriend who had just come in called up the stairs.
‘Just muttering babe,you know me.’
She put her arms around him.-‘I know your flaws,but I still love you’ –
She said.
‘Your cool babe,I wish everyone was as open minded as you’ -He said to her,it took her a few moments to respond,as she had no time for judgemental people.And it was obvious to her that people like that upset her boyfriend,even now.
‘That’s what I’m here for babe’ -Seemed to her to be all she could say.
‘I love you’ -He said as he pulled her
close and gazed into her eyes.
‘I love you too,hey listen hun,while we’re here,we could do something -I got a few hours spare….’
~
They lay together in bed,forgetting all that had happened before,everything seemed to be perfect,yet they both knew that the nightmares would return…
‘I must go back to work now hun.’ –
She kissed him gently as he lay in her arms- he looked so peaceful,at rest.
~
…Again he found himself in the cavern,he walked on where there was no sound,complete silence!
-Complete loneliness!

He was dead?
-Will the ‘wings’ lift him above all that holds him down?
-Can they ‘Sail’ the ocean before them?
-The challenge is surely to complete this work…
~
…She returned home silence greeted her,she ran upstairs! -To her relief{the relief was not that her boyfriend was crying,but that he was still alive!}
As she stood outside the door,she
called faintly to him,she was crying as she did so,she knew what he had done.
She pushed open the door,blood was all over the sheets! He just sat there with tears running down his face,what was in his motionless hand?A sheet of paper? On the table was a jar? -A knife she could see! -She could also see a quill.
She did not know how to
react,although she thought she knew what had happened.
She put her arms around his waist and kissed him.
‘Do you want to talk to me babe?’ -She tried to begin a conversation.
He simply looked removed ,devoid of all feeling;what can she do now?
-He was trying to speak,so she said ‘Don’t worry hunny,I’m not going anywhere.’ -She said to him,in the
hope that she could evoke a response.
‘You deserve so much better than me;don’t you hate me for making life so difficult for you?’ -He looked at her with eyes so innocent.He was not half as ‘tough’ as he made out. -“Why does this world have to hold people back so much,why do we all have obey what the ‘norm’ says?” -She thought.
He had cut himself and bled into the jar…
~
That was before he comited suicide .

She never thought she could feel this much pain,it was unbearable! -She decided after thinking about it a while,She did not want to live!
~ But wait! She told herself,this is
not the way to be.So she took great time in contemplating her lovers final acts-but still she decided (much like Romeo and Juliet) that she shoud die by the same knife that her love took his life with.
She came across the weapon,but a parchment was there,written in his own blood(the day she found him),she never could bring herself to read what was upon it,too much
agony,she told herself.It was sealed, you see,in a box;a case sorry.She read the note,which ran thus:’I do love my girlfriend,which ,in a paradoxical way,is why I must die.’An odd begining,but she steeled herself and read on.’…The trauma of living the life I have(many may know the same,but choose to live),I cannot carry on for I cannot let the past go,I can no longer live in a world of such
ignorance.The ignorance that I speak of is the [chosen] lack of understanding which causes suicide,because there does not seem to any other option.I really hope my death will raise awareness of this ;in other words my life has not been for nothing.
I love you X {I cannot sign this,as I am considered by society at large as nothing,and so a name has no
relevence.}Goodbye X
She cried so much,she thought she would never stop;she went to pick up the blade,it was time…

…She found a crumpled piece of paper as she went to pick up the knife,should she open it? As she was trying to decide,another scrap of paper she found,folded in half,with :note ,writen on the front,in
blood,his,she felt the need to cry return,but held on “I must be brave.” -She told herself.Opening the letter (in her mind,anyway),She was shaking so much,as she [somehow] brought herself to open the scrap of paper in her hand.The scrap of paper read thus : “This is to my girlfriend,or anyone who wants to read it ,for that matter.I cannot,I swear,remember the nightmares that make me hurt
myself,yet in a strange way,they help with my work,my new idea is not just to write out my darker feelings with ink,but to bleed (quite literally)onto the paper(or whatever I am going to be writing on).-If I cannot create perfection I must stop writing.Yet ,and here is the paradox,my death may leave the world a work of perfection! -Am I prepared to pay this price? If you are reading this,you
know the answer.If you read my last work ,and are impressed,I achieved what I aimed to do.All I had to do was die,I hope my last words (and indeed however many are left to be read) inspire all who read.If this is so,my life {and death} have not been for nothing.
Much love to you all
XX ”
The tears refused to be held back any
longer,she would not,could not stop them from tearing her to the ground.The shaking would not stop “Why did this have to happen,why…?”
~
…She must have fallen asleep,the crying made her feel so tired,even now the tiredness would not leave her.She refused to let this state of misery rule her…She picked up the blade…
“I must write something”- She thought -“How do I feel at this moment?”
such a moment of despair has befallen me
like rain,or jagged shards of glass.

How do I feel?
I wish to write something that will truly honour my love
In years to come ,when my words are read
may our love for each other be felt.”
Note:I refer in this to the earlier poem by my lover before he commited suicide.
~
…Then came the time,she could not stand this loneliness,this isolation any longer!
…Her last thought was of her
lover,she could not think of anything else!
Just before she stabbed herself,she thought -“If I cannot have my love in this life,I can at least ‘join’ him.That,granted,I cannot know,I guess It’s now or never…
She cut her throat with such a vehement blow,she ran the blade through her stomach,and fell to the floor…Before darkness came upon
her,she breathed with her last breath in this world “Soon ,my love,we can be together…
~
…She awoke in a quiet room -Where was she? She was in a bed,in a fully furnished room,it was morning.She could hear the birds singing,there was no sound of traffic yet,it must be early…
…She went to the bedroom door and
opened it -The corridor was empty,so she went down the stairs…
…She hesitated -Someone was in the kitchen! -Breakfast,she assumed was being prepared.She went into the kitchen where such a shock awaited her!
-Her lover was in the kitchen! -‘I -I thought you were dead, darling…-She began, as she burst into tears,tears which seemed unending. Suddenly
she felt such warm kisses on her neck and lips.
after she had stopped crying, he still held her,kissing and carressing her,telling everything was going to be fine now.
She did not understand,so he told her ‘The Doctors said I could take you home to rest,you did not seem to complain of the nightmares any longer.’
‘I must confess I do not remember any nightmares,I only had a vague sense,that I was very scared and traumatised by them,but I don’t remember,it is only because you mentioned them,I have any memory of them at all…’ -She trailed off now,unsure about what had happened.
~
‘…But you always said that was the
source for the inspiration for your art..’ -He began.
‘My art?’ -She questioned.All of a sudden she was aware of tapestries,mosaics,scultures,and paintings in many different mediums all around the room.She walked,she knows not how she knew the way,to a basement door… Upon opening the door many works of art adorn the walls! -Whose signature is on all of
them – hers! -On closer inspection there was an element of darkness in every work! -What horrendous dreams she must have to create such morbid art!
‘I did try to tell you’ -He had been watching all the time,he caught her by surprise.’Do you honestly not remember anything relating to your art?’ -He asked curiously.
‘No my love,I have no knowlege of
this at all.’-Then she added ‘I must rest,for I feel very tired.’
~
…After she had gone upstairs,no sooner than her head hit the pillow she fell into a deep sleep…

~[pt.2]~

…She was here again,alone {although she knew that not to be true},such
isolation came upon her. She could not hold the tears back anymore,and she began to cry.Softly at first,then the tears began to flow like a river,a river she thought would never stop -The she had an idea,she could a knife,a paintbrush,and a jar she used for mixing her own paint…
~
…Her boyfriend came in -he saw no sign of her! -He ran up the stairs
,heart racing,was she okay? -He was almost relieved to hear her crying{at least she was alive}…
…He stood outside the door for what seemed like an age…
‘I’m going to open the door now,okay babe’ -He said trying to sound calm…
~
At last he found the courage to open the door,he sobs became louder…
-He raced to her! -he threw his arms
around her,kissing her neck,telling her he loved her,but wait,something was different,he could not place it..
…She looked at him and smiled.What he heard as sobs of anguish,were tears of joy!
‘At last,I’ve done it my love!-She said so happily.
‘I do not understand,my love.’-He said,hiding his confusion was not possible at this point.
~
‘I have found a new way to paint- that makes me happy!’ -She explained.
‘I see,what, my love is it?’ -He enquired.
‘I have found a new inspiration.’-She explained herself yet further,just about able to control her exitement!
‘What is it my love?’
‘Before I tell you,do you want to see my latest work?’
‘Of course angel,I would love to!’
What she had been working on from start to finish that afternoon{with such voracity,I might add!} -was a mixture of an etching,painting,engraving,and a sculpture!
‘I -I do not even know what to say,that is perfect princess -But,and I hope you don’t mind me saying,but I can spot one flaw.’-He said to her
quite sadly.
She felt tears well up in her eyes,the agonising pain in her throat which always happens before she cried.Yet she had to ask –
‘What can I change about it,will it ever be good enough?’-She asked.
‘I’m afraid ,as beautiful as your work is,and it really is… ‘ – He trailed off,leaving her unsure of how he saw her work.
‘Darling,I’m sensitive,granted,why don’t you just tell me what you think.I’m a big girl now.’
‘Well,my love,nothing can be as perfect as -You babe!! -He drew her to him,and kissed her passionately!
~
…As they lay in each others arms,kissing her hair softly,he asked -‘What is your new inspiration,babygirl?’
‘My dreams.’ -She answered.
‘I thought you were plagued by nightmares,have they ceased?’ -He was confused ,yet felt such relief for her.
‘I do not have nightmares anymore,my love.I only dream of love,unity,and freedom.’ -She said ,in probably the most honest comment she had ever made.
He smiled,at last he knew,when he
saw how happy and contented She was,what happiness really felt like!
~
…To his joy,which he was so delighted to feel,I may add,Her artwork quickly became displayed in galleries worldwide!
He discovered a ‘hidden’ talent,from he had shied away from,as his peers at when he was at school,had put him off of trying,telling him he was no
good and,as a result,made no effort to even try.The talent? -He found that he had a natrual flare for writing.Poetry,prose,fictional short stories,novelas ,ect.At the very first glance,his girlfriend knew he could pen stunning works of literature!
-She ,subtley at first,asked if he would like to write short works,to accompany her art.He was a bit unsure to begin with,then he decided
to just go for it. ‘Well I guess,here goes babe’ -He said to her,just before they entered the gallery ,where both their work was on display to be viewed.There would be top names in the world of art,literature,and poetry present.
That evening at the gallery was a major success for both of them! -In fact their success was far beyond their wildest dreams!
~
The point that was behind this tale?-It was simply this:Whomesoever of our two progenitors ‘told’ this story,the main priciple is that to find light(which goes hand in hand with happiness) ,one first has to (go through) embrace the darkness.And so learn from it for true light to be attained.
All I ask is think about this if you
will,and have a nice one people :)!

‘..I kept an open mind as I stared into the night, I did not recollect at this point ,or should I say,I did not feel any sadness ,any sorrow -then I remembered the past, the reason I was alone, in this wood ,with a gun.The reflective way in which I contemplate life as I prepare to end my own.Creation is surely much more vast,of much more substance,whereas my most ‘painful’
thoughts are simply that -thoughts. …’
~
…The girl walks into the same wood…
‘why do I question my emotions suddenly ?I ask myself.I decide to sit and ponder for a while.
‘Something of great pain must have occured here for me to feel this way.I feel dizy;nauseous even, I feel such
an acute feeling of sadness and then…I know not what..
…I have to leave now ,I feel guilty at doing so ,but I cannot remain here…’
Authours Notes -Did the first progenitor,(of the past),commit suicide in that place or does the uncomfortable feeling our second female progenitor (in the present) feel,simply the anguish of the first’s depression?Did they carry on with
their lives,did they just walk away ,and die of natrual causes?What was felt,if the latter was [hopefully] the case,could it not be merely a fingerprint,a ‘ghost’ from the past…