a related incident…

…Another beautiful blonde came into my life!-She was astounding!-How lucky was I to even be in her presence.

Is it fate?I should explain,some years ago,I split up with a blonde,to this day I will never know who is more hurt.
I must confess,I wanted to die,I loved her so much,an album (bizarrely)saved me.An album by Linkin Park -Minutes to midnight,that album (along with another which created a dichotomy)’talked’ me out of ending my life.What began (the albums I mean) as ┬árepresenting love,ended in a feeling of agony,which never truly left.Wherever She is (out of respect I will not name her)I will always love her,but I wish her all the best whatever She does in life.
The above relates to the girl from 2009.

As to the other girl,She could have been from yesterday (2017)-In short,I mean no disrespect,love and respect yourselves girls,you are all special.


‘I sat on this distant moon,the moon I am(it seems),
condemned to reside

I do wonder,as I sit here in silence
I view the fiery orb ,that which is before me
And yet I wonder…

…Is anything beyond the fire I do espie?
…I have heard (though I am sure it is a myth) that a water world,a paradise is on the other side,where life and love are such perfection!

-I dream so much of this waterworld,as I sit on my desolated moon planet,staring,just staring at the fiery orb beneath me,in my line of vision.’
‘From my viewpoint,I stare into the waters above me,the murk that prevents me from seeing further…

…I continue to stare,I see a rock from which I can see more,as I will be closer to the surface!

…I perch in my new viewing spot,and what do I see?
Fire? An orb perhaps?

…I stare on,and I wonder …

…What (if anything)is above?
…As they continue to stare,a sudden overwhelming feeling overcame them,they decided (rashly?)-To take (quite literally) a leap of faith.
-As they fell,a rush of freedom (?)
breathed through them.Yet there was something else…As he fell,aside from noticing for the first time,quite calmly,surprisingly,like a euphoria,the moment before death cannot be explained!
-As to what else was felt,a belief that something else was there,was it love?It is too late now,they thought,as a strange warmth ran through them.Inexplicable yet
again,the words were not forthcoming {to the conscious mind},so incredible it was that the time was available to have these thoughts!
…It is now the moment…the moment,when I disapear…
…I stare upto what I consider to be fire ,I raise myself,I wish to do so,and yet I dream {unconsciously} how am I
to go through the fire,to raise myself up to that which I do not know,I do not understand…I guess I wish for love …But how do I find it?’
-They (she?) pondered over this for a while,then…they found themself lifting! -Out of the safety did they feel approaching,yet they felt no fear! -Only a joyful feeling {of which they could not explain},did they experience,which pervaded their very
spirit!-The soul was filled in this way also(although they could not explain what this meant).
When of the two of them shall meet{as is their destiny},who can say,without doubt,what will happen,as all of us are affected by love in our own unique ways?

A picture frame,that is empty?

‘I stare into the bleak space,the nothingness
that is before my eyes

No matter how many years
no matter how long I stare:
nothing can I make out.’
‘…I stare at the mirror,and yet only my lonely reflection do I see…

…All I can ever ‘see’ is the fact I will always be alone.’

Why can you two not ‘see’ that what is in the picture,and the reflection needed in the mirror,are but images of your respective perfect loves?
Both of their consciousnesses told them so,at the same time!
‘I continue to stare(as I always do so),
into the empty picture
But wait!
such beauty is in the
portrait,I do see…’

‘I look upon the mirror,my despair
fills me so
All of a sudden ,I make out -can it be?The love that I dreamed of all this time?
As I step through the mirror (I cannot return!),all fades to darkness…’
‘…As I am suddenly aware of the fact I have stepped into the painting now(I know not how this happened!),it seems my only option is to follow the
path before me,where does it lead to,I ask?
I see a field ,or should I say I find myself in one,and I see another ,(maybe they can’t explain how they got here either!)…’
‘It becomes present in my mind,lucid,I should say,that the closer I get to (my destiny?) the more ease of which I have command of my
own train of thought.
I can,as I draw closer,make out in the distance ,someone else who has been drawn to this place? -I can only guess at the truth of this ,as I know this not as a fact,merely a guess.’
‘After many hours traveling,I find myself,in a field,It is dark now,so all I can make out of the mystery
person,is their silouette,moving towards me.’
‘All I can see now is darkness,I should rest,but,a noise and movement makes me halt my progress suddenly…’
‘I find myself face to face with another,who I may say has all the qualities of the true love that I dream
of !’
‘And now (I guess) comes the moment when we finaly speak! I ,at last know,before me is my hearts desire,all that I have yearned for.Now we prepare to converse(I am so nervous) -We are about to speak to each other…’
What happens next?

When realisation is recovered…

…When she returned to awareness (of this world)
her surroundings ,the river has been drained,but how?
– She is alone!

The mud and sands of the riverbank are bare,how ,she wonders, is she to reach the clearing above?
-Then a winding staircase she does see!

‘I guess that is my only option.’

As she reaches the winding (?)staircase the young girl does see it is carved into the very rock of the bank itself!

Shortly ,after climbing the steps,they
reach the top.Short of breath (as the journey was a longer one than they had at first anticipated!)-Yet they pressed onward,into that which they could not know.

They find themselves in a clearing now,they looked over the edge of the cliff ,for reasons they know not
…Is that what makes them do so?

-They are shocked at how far the drop is…

‘Where did the water go?’-they wonder aloud…
…’It left the river some 500 years ago.’ -A voice,that came from behind said.
The young girl turned to see where the voice came from,as it startled her.

What did she see?
-A figure,hiding,it would seem,in the shadows. ‘Why do you hide in the shadows,may I ask?’

‘I hide in the shadows for others to see the light {tho they see this not}.’
‘I am afraid I do not understand…’-She stammered.

…He,saying nothing,pointed to a darkened(entrance,maybe?)…

…He added(almost as an afterthought!)’When you complete your journey,you will know whose it was..’
‘I do not know what you mean…’

-She was alone!

-Is this in some way symbolic?-She mused upon that fact,in a dazed state.

…The girl carried on walking (she knew not where she was!)
-She could see nothing,in any direction!

…As the young girl came back to what she would term as her ‘normal’ level of perception of the world,she said aloud ‘Is that a mirror I see before me?

In an odd way,the way that the shadow is cast by the mirror,on the
wall behind it,reminds me of the man I spoke with earlier,though,I must confess,could not give an accurate description{As he was hiding in the shadows}.’

-When the girl approached the mirror,she saw nothing but an ordinary shadow!

It had the shape she ‘saw’ because of
the fact that the mirror was slightly angled.

When she looked into the mirror itself,however,all she could see was a reflection of herself

{as you would expect,when one looks into a mirror!},
except…this was different,somehow..
…She could not put a name to what it was,yet something was definately different…
The ‘reflection’ at any point is our own,but in this case the girl ‘saw’ her future ‘shadow’.The image she saw at the end of this tale,when she looked into the mirror was of who she ‘changed’ into by her ‘journey'(was it dream,awake or
Further note:The aforementioned ‘journey’ can be in numerous timescales(a few hours,a day,ect.) ,it can be used to refer to life (and age also),but,after all,is everyone the same person they were at the begining of the day,that they are at night?

He held her in his arms..

…He held her in his arms,wondering why,oh why,did he have to lose such an angel? She had done nothing,yet a meaningless ‘hatred’ (no word was enough ).
He thought (his reason told him otherwise)if he held her ’till the morning light,she would be alive once more,when he let go of her she
would kiss him…
…He let go…
…She fell,lifeless into the river…

The tale above was told from an ‘onlookers’ point of view,the true tale,may or may not have been told,only time [truly] knows…

A stolen heart…

She awoke.It was the begining of another day. ‘The same as usual,dull,dull ,dull’-She summed up the day,before it had even been seen through.
She went downstairs,all was quiet,too quiet the young girl thought…
…As she came down the stairs,blood was everywhere!
‘Are you listening?’ -He said to her,it almost took awhile,to come back from the daydream…
‘O -of course I was’ -She said to her boss…
…Somehow the day seemed to have passed,the girl was back at her flat!
She stared out the window,the sky was like velvet,without a cloud in the sky,the moon was so bright,it made her want to go for a walk along the promenade.
Soon she found herself outside in the fresh,warm night…
‘Another night where I find myself wondering as usual,what it is like to dream.
‘What if I already am dreaming,and
when I ‘sleep’ (or think I am) I am really awake?’
Hours seemed to pass,or so it seemed,rather. ‘Why do I feel this way?-It is so unfair that I lost my love through no fault of my of my own,or should I say,neither of our faults.’-She thought aloud, as no one could hear-‘What difference does it make?None can know the pain that I
feel…’-She became aware that she was so tired,yet the girl could not sleep! She sat by the shore ,staring in a vacant way,that’s when the floods of tears fell to the sands,this sorrow seems to have no ending…

…They awoke to the screams of a drowning man,calling for aid.She did not know what to do,her heart was beating fast!Should she jump in the
water?-The sea was so rough!-Then all fell silent.She could not hear any further screaming,she could not see anything . ‘Why,oh why,did this have to happen?Why do I always have to hear others screams,when no one can even hear mine?’
…She awoke,in a flood of tears,a man was beside her now{he must have heard her sobs}…
…He was walking along his route to his home,he heard (in the distance),what he thought was crying(or at least he thought)-Should he go on? He decided carry on home,yet as he reached his door,he thought of the (girl?) alone and crying.
Should he turn back?-He thought.As he drew closer to the direction of the crying,a thought occured to him.
‘even if she is to tell me to fuck off,I have tried,then I cant look back on this time of my life(this night) with regret.’…

…He found her,she was in a heap on the ground,crying like a baby. ‘Poor thing’ -He thought. ‘So alone and fragile.’ …
He sat with her until she woke up…

-If you understand what I cannot…

-Please carry on,my love

-I cannot…
That was just a dream(?)I guess the -one I truly love,will never know,in the same way,I shall also never know,if she feels the same way.
I stare,through the aperture,from which I view my love,
The love,I may add,which can never be mine!
I am bereft of all care for myself,and indeed my existance in this world,if (and so it would seem I cannot),I cannot have my one and only true desire,my love,I have no wish to live!
…As we return to revisit the ‘Romeo’
of this tale…
‘Do I have to live a life without my one true love?She so fine and beautyous,yet never did I voice my opinions of love,my woe fills my heart,to the time when it o’erpours.’
Of a sudden,the poison he did espie…
‘I shall drink away my life and sorrow,for true love I can ne’er attain.’
And so our ‘Romeo’ didst perish,with
a forlorn heart …
…And how do we find our ‘Juliet’? -As she finds the one she loves,alone at last! ‘Now is my chance!I shall go for it!’-She draws closer -He is far too still!His breathe has ceased!
She became aware of a knife that she carried on her,for her samples.She cut spores to study at her leisure.
‘Now do I choose to perish also,my
love hath now gone,I hath no love left,and,I do not wish to,therefore ,love another!’
…She pierced her heart with the blade,with her dying breathe she did try to speak,but voiced her feelings ,that which none can ever know…
The irony of this tale?{Which,before you say it,was an obvious nod to William Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo and
Juliet'[a condensed version,a segment,if you like]}-Both our progenitors died thinking their love was unrequited,when in reality,they both loved each other.

An indistinct knowledge{to consciousness}

‘I looked at the path before me…’-She began.
‘Why did you trail off?’-He prompted.
‘What happened next is not clear,even now..’
‘Why do feel that way,or should I make it more plain:can you think why you cannot remember what
‘I-I guess the trauma prevents me from doing so.’
‘Well ,if I am right,(and I hope for your sake that I am)because of the fact you can understand this,it is now time for you to wake up..’
…She awoke in the hallway where she had collapsed.She tried to get up,could not at first,her vision was
blurry still.
‘It was lucky for you that someone was here,you could have been unconscious for hours until someone found you.Sorry,how rude of me,I should introduce myself,I’m a nurse y’see.’
-A voice, that could have been coming from anywhere told her.
As the world became clearer,she became aware of a piece of paper
crumpled in her right hand.It had no message,only a ‘signature’ (no name)- ‘From [your] subconscious…’

Authors Notes. -She could not,as hard as she tried,remember what ‘he’ said to her in the dialogue.Almost in the same way,the ‘writing’ on the paper,had no [known] meaning…

X V I I I.

…~ [pt. 1]~

‘Do I have a story that needs to be written?’ -he said aloud,thinking no one could hear.
‘What was that dear?’ -His girlfriend who had just come in called up the stairs.
‘Just muttering babe,you know me.’
She put her arms around him.-‘I know your flaws,but I still love you’ –
She said.
‘Your cool babe,I wish everyone was as open minded as you’ -He said to her,it took her a few moments to respond,as she had no time for judgemental people.And it was obvious to her that people like that upset her boyfriend,even now.
‘That’s what I’m here for babe’ -Seemed to her to be all she could say.
‘I love you’ -He said as he pulled her
close and gazed into her eyes.
‘I love you too,hey listen hun,while we’re here,we could do something -I got a few hours spare….’
They lay together in bed,forgetting all that had happened before,everything seemed to be perfect,yet they both knew that the nightmares would return…
‘I must go back to work now hun.’ –
She kissed him gently as he lay in her arms- he looked so peaceful,at rest.
…Again he found himself in the cavern,he walked on where there was no sound,complete silence!
-Complete loneliness!

He was dead?
-Will the ‘wings’ lift him above all that holds him down?
-Can they ‘Sail’ the ocean before them?
-The challenge is surely to complete this work…
…She returned home silence greeted her,she ran upstairs! -To her relief{the relief was not that her boyfriend was crying,but that he was still alive!}
As she stood outside the door,she
called faintly to him,she was crying as she did so,she knew what he had done.
She pushed open the door,blood was all over the sheets! He just sat there with tears running down his face,what was in his motionless hand?A sheet of paper? On the table was a jar? -A knife she could see! -She could also see a quill.
She did not know how to
react,although she thought she knew what had happened.
She put her arms around his waist and kissed him.
‘Do you want to talk to me babe?’ -She tried to begin a conversation.
He simply looked removed ,devoid of all feeling;what can she do now?
-He was trying to speak,so she said ‘Don’t worry hunny,I’m not going anywhere.’ -She said to him,in the
hope that she could evoke a response.
‘You deserve so much better than me;don’t you hate me for making life so difficult for you?’ -He looked at her with eyes so innocent.He was not half as ‘tough’ as he made out. -“Why does this world have to hold people back so much,why do we all have obey what the ‘norm’ says?” -She thought.
He had cut himself and bled into the jar…
That was before he comited suicide .

She never thought she could feel this much pain,it was unbearable! -She decided after thinking about it a while,She did not want to live!
~ But wait! She told herself,this is
not the way to be.So she took great time in contemplating her lovers final acts-but still she decided (much like Romeo and Juliet) that she shoud die by the same knife that her love took his life with.
She came across the weapon,but a parchment was there,written in his own blood(the day she found him),she never could bring herself to read what was upon it,too much
agony,she told herself.It was sealed, you see,in a box;a case sorry.She read the note,which ran thus:’I do love my girlfriend,which ,in a paradoxical way,is why I must die.’An odd begining,but she steeled herself and read on.’…The trauma of living the life I have(many may know the same,but choose to live),I cannot carry on for I cannot let the past go,I can no longer live in a world of such
ignorance.The ignorance that I speak of is the [chosen] lack of understanding which causes suicide,because there does not seem to any other option.I really hope my death will raise awareness of this ;in other words my life has not been for nothing.
I love you X {I cannot sign this,as I am considered by society at large as nothing,and so a name has no
relevence.}Goodbye X
She cried so much,she thought she would never stop;she went to pick up the blade,it was time…

…She found a crumpled piece of paper as she went to pick up the knife,should she open it? As she was trying to decide,another scrap of paper she found,folded in half,with :note ,writen on the front,in
blood,his,she felt the need to cry return,but held on “I must be brave.” -She told herself.Opening the letter (in her mind,anyway),She was shaking so much,as she [somehow] brought herself to open the scrap of paper in her hand.The scrap of paper read thus : “This is to my girlfriend,or anyone who wants to read it ,for that matter.I cannot,I swear,remember the nightmares that make me hurt
myself,yet in a strange way,they help with my work,my new idea is not just to write out my darker feelings with ink,but to bleed (quite literally)onto the paper(or whatever I am going to be writing on).-If I cannot create perfection I must stop writing.Yet ,and here is the paradox,my death may leave the world a work of perfection! -Am I prepared to pay this price? If you are reading this,you
know the answer.If you read my last work ,and are impressed,I achieved what I aimed to do.All I had to do was die,I hope my last words (and indeed however many are left to be read) inspire all who read.If this is so,my life {and death} have not been for nothing.
Much love to you all
XX ”
The tears refused to be held back any
longer,she would not,could not stop them from tearing her to the ground.The shaking would not stop “Why did this have to happen,why…?”
…She must have fallen asleep,the crying made her feel so tired,even now the tiredness would not leave her.She refused to let this state of misery rule her…She picked up the blade…
“I must write something”- She thought -“How do I feel at this moment?”
such a moment of despair has befallen me
like rain,or jagged shards of glass.

How do I feel?
I wish to write something that will truly honour my love
In years to come ,when my words are read
may our love for each other be felt.”
Note:I refer in this to the earlier poem by my lover before he commited suicide.
…Then came the time,she could not stand this loneliness,this isolation any longer!
…Her last thought was of her
lover,she could not think of anything else!
Just before she stabbed herself,she thought -“If I cannot have my love in this life,I can at least ‘join’ him.That,granted,I cannot know,I guess It’s now or never…
She cut her throat with such a vehement blow,she ran the blade through her stomach,and fell to the floor…Before darkness came upon
her,she breathed with her last breath in this world “Soon ,my love,we can be together…
…She awoke in a quiet room -Where was she? She was in a bed,in a fully furnished room,it was morning.She could hear the birds singing,there was no sound of traffic yet,it must be early…
…She went to the bedroom door and
opened it -The corridor was empty,so she went down the stairs…
…She hesitated -Someone was in the kitchen! -Breakfast,she assumed was being prepared.She went into the kitchen where such a shock awaited her!
-Her lover was in the kitchen! -‘I -I thought you were dead, darling…-She began, as she burst into tears,tears which seemed unending. Suddenly
she felt such warm kisses on her neck and lips.
after she had stopped crying, he still held her,kissing and carressing her,telling everything was going to be fine now.
She did not understand,so he told her ‘The Doctors said I could take you home to rest,you did not seem to complain of the nightmares any longer.’
‘I must confess I do not remember any nightmares,I only had a vague sense,that I was very scared and traumatised by them,but I don’t remember,it is only because you mentioned them,I have any memory of them at all…’ -She trailed off now,unsure about what had happened.
‘…But you always said that was the
source for the inspiration for your art..’ -He began.
‘My art?’ -She questioned.All of a sudden she was aware of tapestries,mosaics,scultures,and paintings in many different mediums all around the room.She walked,she knows not how she knew the way,to a basement door… Upon opening the door many works of art adorn the walls! -Whose signature is on all of
them – hers! -On closer inspection there was an element of darkness in every work! -What horrendous dreams she must have to create such morbid art!
‘I did try to tell you’ -He had been watching all the time,he caught her by surprise.’Do you honestly not remember anything relating to your art?’ -He asked curiously.
‘No my love,I have no knowlege of
this at all.’-Then she added ‘I must rest,for I feel very tired.’
…After she had gone upstairs,no sooner than her head hit the pillow she fell into a deep sleep…


…She was here again,alone {although she knew that not to be true},such
isolation came upon her. She could not hold the tears back anymore,and she began to cry.Softly at first,then the tears began to flow like a river,a river she thought would never stop -The she had an idea,she could a knife,a paintbrush,and a jar she used for mixing her own paint…
…Her boyfriend came in -he saw no sign of her! -He ran up the stairs
,heart racing,was she okay? -He was almost relieved to hear her crying{at least she was alive}…
…He stood outside the door for what seemed like an age…
‘I’m going to open the door now,okay babe’ -He said trying to sound calm…
At last he found the courage to open the door,he sobs became louder…
-He raced to her! -he threw his arms
around her,kissing her neck,telling her he loved her,but wait,something was different,he could not place it..
…She looked at him and smiled.What he heard as sobs of anguish,were tears of joy!
‘At last,I’ve done it my love!-She said so happily.
‘I do not understand,my love.’-He said,hiding his confusion was not possible at this point.
‘I have found a new way to paint- that makes me happy!’ -She explained.
‘I see,what, my love is it?’ -He enquired.
‘I have found a new inspiration.’-She explained herself yet further,just about able to control her exitement!
‘What is it my love?’
‘Before I tell you,do you want to see my latest work?’
‘Of course angel,I would love to!’
What she had been working on from start to finish that afternoon{with such voracity,I might add!} -was a mixture of an etching,painting,engraving,and a sculpture!
‘I -I do not even know what to say,that is perfect princess -But,and I hope you don’t mind me saying,but I can spot one flaw.’-He said to her
quite sadly.
She felt tears well up in her eyes,the agonising pain in her throat which always happens before she cried.Yet she had to ask –
‘What can I change about it,will it ever be good enough?’-She asked.
‘I’m afraid ,as beautiful as your work is,and it really is… ‘ – He trailed off,leaving her unsure of how he saw her work.
‘Darling,I’m sensitive,granted,why don’t you just tell me what you think.I’m a big girl now.’
‘Well,my love,nothing can be as perfect as -You babe!! -He drew her to him,and kissed her passionately!
…As they lay in each others arms,kissing her hair softly,he asked -‘What is your new inspiration,babygirl?’
‘My dreams.’ -She answered.
‘I thought you were plagued by nightmares,have they ceased?’ -He was confused ,yet felt such relief for her.
‘I do not have nightmares anymore,my love.I only dream of love,unity,and freedom.’ -She said ,in probably the most honest comment she had ever made.
He smiled,at last he knew,when he
saw how happy and contented She was,what happiness really felt like!
…To his joy,which he was so delighted to feel,I may add,Her artwork quickly became displayed in galleries worldwide!
He discovered a ‘hidden’ talent,from he had shied away from,as his peers at when he was at school,had put him off of trying,telling him he was no
good and,as a result,made no effort to even try.The talent? -He found that he had a natrual flare for writing.Poetry,prose,fictional short stories,novelas ,ect.At the very first glance,his girlfriend knew he could pen stunning works of literature!
-She ,subtley at first,asked if he would like to write short works,to accompany her art.He was a bit unsure to begin with,then he decided
to just go for it. ‘Well I guess,here goes babe’ -He said to her,just before they entered the gallery ,where both their work was on display to be viewed.There would be top names in the world of art,literature,and poetry present.
That evening at the gallery was a major success for both of them! -In fact their success was far beyond their wildest dreams!
The point that was behind this tale?-It was simply this:Whomesoever of our two progenitors ‘told’ this story,the main priciple is that to find light(which goes hand in hand with happiness) ,one first has to (go through) embrace the darkness.And so learn from it for true light to be attained.
All I ask is think about this if you
will,and have a nice one people :)!


Untitled (?)

…He was perplexed,but wishing to understand ,he decided -If I do not ask,I shall not find out.

-Why,pardon me if this seems to have an obvious answer,why do you talk thus?
-I do not mind explaining at all,I am part of your phyche,as I shall be part of the next travelers,though their path
to finding me is different in all cases.
He was taken aback,humbled,and grateful ,to…? -Who is this before me?This mysterious force cannot be human,but they are part of all humans?-I am confused-although in a strange way,this all makes sense.
– You seem concerned,my friend.-‘She’ prompted him to speak his worries.
-If-If you are,as you say,part of all
who travel along their own path,are you ,I feel awkward in saying this,human?-Forgive me for asking this,I mean no offence.-He added as an afterthought.
-No offence is taken,I assure you.In answer to the question you wish to know the answer to,I am subconsciousness or consciousness depending on whether one is ‘awake’ or ‘asleep’.
-What I thought was clear,is now clouded by the depths of my mind.In other words,I do not seem to be able to be able to understand,although,I think I do…
-There you go!To think about understanding something,means you are on the way to finding another way to solve the problem!